@GrowlyGrego

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

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@Tups13

When people tell me to get my act together I have to explain that this is not an act, I really am this incompetent.

@Darlainky

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

@murrman5

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

@meghaffer

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

@LipLush1

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

@david8hughes

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

@elunatyk

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

@iwearaonesie

Pooh: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
Piglet: What?
Pooh: There’s. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly
Piglet:
Pooh: I’m hungry
Piglet: Say that then

@girlnarly

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities