When people tell me to get my act together I have to explain that this is not an act, I really am this incompetent.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
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[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
30 seconds left on the microwave
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone
do the space shuttle countdown
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Handy guide to types of moon.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Pooh: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
Pooh: There’s. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly
Pooh: I’m hungry
Piglet: Say that then
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities