Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
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I’ll tell you what’s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
If you get baby fever, do you have to take baby aspirin?