@theblowout
my interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason i drink wasn’t there
@slimmy_shady
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
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@theblowout
@Girl_Censored
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
@wittwitbarista
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
@DanMentos
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
@SuperApple80
10: Mom, is Chuck Norris a real person or a myth?
Me: Yes.
@BigJDubz
Kill them with kindness. Stab them in the heart with a puppy
@JermHimselfish
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
@trishm426
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
@truegritrumble
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
@TheBoyWhoWrote
Send me a “we need to talk” text and I’m just going to respond with “yeah. We absolutely do.” Now we’re both waiting with spicy armpits.