@slimmy_shady

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

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@SvnSxty

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

@_NTFG_

I’ll tell you what’s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.

@vodkanopants

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

@xLiserx

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

@hog_mild

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

@aissalanis

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

@SCbchbum

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

@lisaxy424

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.