I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

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my interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason i drink wasn’t there


A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.


“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?


Kill them with kindness. Stab them in the heart with a puppy


It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.


besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?


ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.


Send me a “we need to talk” text and I’m just going to respond with “yeah. We absolutely do.” Now we’re both waiting with spicy armpits.