@SvnSxty
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
@slimmy_shady
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
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@SvnSxty
@_NTFG_
I’ll tell you what’s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
@vodkanopants
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
@xLiserx
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
@CulturedRuffian
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
@hog_mild
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
@aissalanis
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
@SCbchbum
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
@lisaxy424
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
@coremillionaire
If you get baby fever, do you have to take baby aspirin?