I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
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First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.