@PFTompkins

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

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@PaperWash

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

@tastefactory

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

@hell_homer

that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare

@Kennedydp5

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

@Pro_Jones_

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

@bourgeoisalien

Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.

@BoozeWallet

[walking through park with date]

Did u know there’s more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange

[blood is just pouring from my mouth]

@QwertyJones3

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

@HandfulOfLewds

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader: