me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
You Might Also Like
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.
[walking through park with date]
Did u know there’s more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange
[blood is just pouring from my mouth]
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
The French cow says MEUX…
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.