@PFTompkins

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

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@XplodingUnicorn

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

@autocorrects

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

@suzannemariedo

Teenaged Shark: *opening lunch box* ughh not peanut butter and jellyfish AGAIN

@robfee

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

@mortimermaiden

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

@LlamaInaTux

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

@billcheek26

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

@Dawn_M_

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

@ArfMeasures

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

@GG_Mikey

fidget spinners are whack, when I was in 8th grade we’d shove a spoonful of cinnamon down our throats and try to survive for fun