I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

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“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow


Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.


LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours


BREAKING NEWS: Police have said that whoever broke into the station last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.


I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.


Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.


All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk