@Snarfernini

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

@TheRobCee

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

@Home_Halfway

LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours

@GlennyRodge

BREAKING NEWS: Police have said that whoever broke into the station last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

@CulturedRuffian

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

@LizHackett

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

@Darlainky

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk