I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
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I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?