@Snarfernini

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

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@EmmaJanePettit

Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia opened to the page “Sausage.”

@ShortSleeveSuit

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

@chapel3929

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

@TheTweetOfGod

Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.

@Demented_Jokes

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

@PopSlapFunk

Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready.

@JohnLyonTweets

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

@Kail_SOVL

“How long you here for?”

-somebody that’s bout to stand you up while you in they city

@MAngelo505

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

@Cheeseboy22

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.