Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia opened to the page “Sausage.”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
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Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
“How long you here for?”
-somebody that’s bout to stand you up while you in they city
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.