I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
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“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours
BREAKING NEWS: Police have said that whoever broke into the station last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Kids: Stay in school.
Face down, contrast up that’s the way I like to photocopy
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk