I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

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Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia opened to the page “Sausage.”


Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!


*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.


Journalists love covering Lindsay Lohan because what she is to actresses, they are to professions.


My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.


Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready.


Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.


“How long you here for?”

-somebody that’s bout to stand you up while you in they city


I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.


Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.