@AllanForsyth

I have an on/off relationship with all of my light switches.

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@AbbyHasIssues

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

@WorkingMom86

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

@ComicalFoxer

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

@jessokfine

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

@AimeeHelene1

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

@FullGrownChris

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

@zbinski

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

@ThisOneSayz

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

@usermcuserface

No I don’t want to go camping. I go to a dead end job 40+ hours a week just so I don’t have to sleep outside.