*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I have an on/off relationship with all of my light switches.
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My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Me: What do you think about that?
5 minutes later
Meanwhile in Portland…
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Can I come inside the house?
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
No I don’t want to go camping. I go to a dead end job 40+ hours a week just so I don’t have to sleep outside.