I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
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Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer
guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.