@silent_musings

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

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@BlindChow

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

@MariyaAlexander

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

@DirtyySouthMess

Me: Talk dirty to me

Him: I’m gonna get you in the sheets and we’re going to bed early

M: God yes

H: I won’t set an alarm

M: Don’t stop!

@WilliamAder

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

@thedad

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

@TheBoydP

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!