I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
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Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
My circle of trust is a meatball
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.