I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
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[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Me: Talk dirty to me
Him: I’m gonna get you in the sheets and we’re going to bed early
M: God yes
H: I won’t set an alarm
M: Don’t stop!
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
G: But it shows every pee drip