I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
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A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.