@wittwitbarista

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

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@LuvPug

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

@daddydoubts

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

@pilau

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

@Daveastated

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

@AngelaEhh

I’m pretty good at getting divorced men I date to give their ex another chance.

@omgthatspunny

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

@maxhaarhaus

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

@OhNoSheTwitnt

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

@timdonakowski

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.