As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
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[first day as a dirty cop]
Partner: did you plant the drugs?
Me: yep, we gotta come back and water them every day though.
Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.
“Do as many squats as you feel like, I don’t want to get involved.”
– impersonal trainer
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.