@david8hughes As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
@wittwitbarista I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
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@david8hughes 
@NewDadNotes [first day as a dirty cop]
Partner: did you plant the drugs?
Me: yep, we gotta come back and water them every day though.
@Nawyourecrazy Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.
*selfies*
@Jake_Vig “Do as many squats as you feel like, I don’t want to get involved.”
– impersonal trainer
@TravLeBlanc “What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
@djdarrellripley Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
@HehBuddy I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
@KrunkedRobot Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
@samalmightysam I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.
@lawbsterfest Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.