You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
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*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.