I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
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Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something