@JoParkerBear

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

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@gengen874

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

@flashember

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

@dblackattack

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

@UnFitz

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

@kimwilliamz

You are what your parents ate too..I’m part black licorice..part hot dog.

@_whatwhatwhat_

gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs

[later]

gf’s dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs

@MaraWritesStuff

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

-Facebook

@brynnester

[First Date]
Her: My last boyfriend dumped my by text message!
Me: *trying to impress* when I dump you I’ll definitely do it face to face