I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

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Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos


If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.


When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?


My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao


What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?


Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.


When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment


I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.