Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
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If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Ohh no, its retarded