I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
You Might Also Like
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom