i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

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I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.


You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn


Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen


How to decorate for Halloween:
1: Buy the biggest pumpkin you can find.
2: Slam it down on your ex’s head.
3: Dress said ex as a scarecrow.


Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.


Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh


The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.


let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport


her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen


“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.