I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
You Might Also Like
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
How to decorate for Halloween:
1: Buy the biggest pumpkin you can find.
2: Slam it down on your ex’s head.
3: Dress said ex as a scarecrow.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.