i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
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Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Had an epiphany today.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?