I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
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Bummed that there’s no obvious place to insert a $ into my name.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
St. Patrick’s Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.
If children are the future, we’re doomed. Kids suck at a lot of stuff. Have you ever heard a kid read aloud? It’s a nightmare.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.