I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
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* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Discuss
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”