I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
You Might Also Like
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
me as a parent
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.