I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
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Spring cleaning checklist…
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.