I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
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What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
If you know, you know
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
We’re all getting idioter.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.