I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.

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4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to “How do you know if something is art?” “People tell you.”


It’s not necrophilia if they’re still alive in your heart.


If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.


I’m pretty sure Tom and Jerry were married.

Sure, there were some instances of them getting along, but mostly they never talked and spent their days trying to kill each other in the most painful way possible.


PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.


When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.


Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then


Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.