hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
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I’m tired tomorrow.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
the clam before the storm
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”