I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Ha
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime