I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
You Might Also Like
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never