I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
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The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
This line from Airplane.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship