I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

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I don’t trust super skinny women who bake all the time. Where are all those calories going Susan? Hmm???


Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.


We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.


Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.


If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.


BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it


love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue


God: One last thing before I let you in. Let’s look at your Google search history.

Me: I’ll show myself out.