@mzyvonne7

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

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@broken_rhi

I don’t trust super skinny women who bake all the time. Where are all those calories going Susan? Hmm???

@rickkondell

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

@tedalexandro

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

@david8hughes

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

@SirEviscerate

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

@jonnysun

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

@tarashoe

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

@TheMichaelRock

God: One last thing before I let you in. Let’s look at your Google search history.

Me: I’ll show myself out.