@djderk

I have enough money to live comfortably the rest of my life if I die next thursday

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@SwedishCanary

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

@shkeeber

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! DID YOU KNOW THAT FROSTED FLAKES DON’T TASTE HALF BAD WITH RED BULL INSTEAD OF MILK? I THINK I’LL RUN TO WORK TODAY!

@ABurgerADay

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

@beefman138

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

@TheToddWilliams

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

@Godhatespants

I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets

@crylenol

*Jesus emerges from tomb*
Wow was that 3 days? Holy cow. I was marathoning The Wire. You guys seen this?

@Gooooats

You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.

@RodneyH42

A study shows that 50% of adults would fail an 8th grade math exam

The other 40% of us would rock that shit

@AndyAsAdjective

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation