I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I have enough money to live comfortably the rest of my life if I die next thursday
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GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! DID YOU KNOW THAT FROSTED FLAKES DON’T TASTE HALF BAD WITH RED BULL INSTEAD OF MILK? I THINK I’LL RUN TO WORK TODAY!
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets
*Jesus emerges from tomb*
Wow was that 3 days? Holy cow. I was marathoning The Wire. You guys seen this?
You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.
A study shows that 50% of adults would fail an 8th grade math exam
The other 40% of us would rock that shit
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation