When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
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[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What