I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

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Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.


Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs


A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends


Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
*pounds table*
Jenga cop: God damn it!


My son had to take our cat to the vet and was too embarrassed to say the cat’s name was Pablo Purrcasso and he just said the cat’s name was Greg.


Eat shit dude! No seriously, it’s good for your eyes. You’ve never seen a dog with glasses have you?


You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.


[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup


If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.