I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
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*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not