@KalvinMacleod

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

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@Amburglar_

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

@dril

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

@KentWGraham

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

@TweetsByKaylee

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

@Darlainky

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

@notmythirdrodeo

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

@Alvildalikely

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

@megg_brady

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

@Gupton68

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*