I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
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Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
– Are you excited sir?
– Yes! I’m gonna feed whales & pet dolphins!
– Sir, this flight is going to Finland
– That’s like Seaworld, right?
“I heard low winter sun is pretty good.” – low winter sun from behind a bush trying to throw it’s voice
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.