I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”