[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
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Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
My typo game is string.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash