“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

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Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!


I was at a bar when this sexy lady approached me and whispered, “hey do you wanna get out of here”?

I happily replied yes and stood up, then she took my seat and sat down😑


(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing


People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.


Someone just saw me trying to take a picture of myself and now I have a dead body to bury.


“You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”

And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.


[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions