I have found that a positive pregnancy test will cure hiccups.

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Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.


*does something weird*

*looks around for witnesses*

*sees no one*

*does something weird, LOUDER*


Just found out my daughter’s super power is repeating what I’ve said about others as soon as she meets them.


*looks through telescope*
*telescope thinks you’re looking at him and waves*
*you wave at Jupiter behind*
*telescope awkwardly lowers hand*


My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.


Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!

Family: *tries to help*

Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT


Me: This painting really speaks to me.

Mona Lisa: You do way too many drugs.