Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I have found that a positive pregnancy test will cure hiccups.
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*does something weird*
*looks around for witnesses*
*sees no one*
*does something weird, LOUDER*
Just found out my daughter’s super power is repeating what I’ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
*looks through telescope*
*telescope thinks you’re looking at him and waves*
*you wave at Jupiter behind*
*telescope awkwardly lowers hand*
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!
Family: *tries to help*
Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT
Me: This painting really speaks to me.
Mona Lisa: You do way too many drugs.