Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
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Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Nice try, NASA
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear