Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
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I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
drew a comic about my origin story
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir