I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
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Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.