i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
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When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Tony Hawk, age 6
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Matt Goss
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
how high up are we talkin’?