I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
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The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Don’t we all.