walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
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The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can’t keep him 🙁 He’s ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.