I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

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I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We die from loss of blood.


Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.


I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”


Me: Am I in trouble?
Me: I’m in trouble.
Me: Bad
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?


Hush little baby,
Don’t say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn’t have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.


ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u’d never ask


When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?


Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer