You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
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Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Catercrombie & Fish
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”