This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
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How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner