I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Thursday Thought.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…