Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
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angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”