@noneofyours99

I have it on good authority those zombie movies are fake!

Because! A body goes in to rigamortis! It doesn’t just skip that part!

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@gylertagan

[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!

@Home_Halfway

DATE’S FATHER: What business do you have with my daughter
ME: Oh this isn’t a work thing, we’re gonna watch a movie and smooch all night

@truegritrumble

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

@ComedicBust

My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.

@Michael_Erhart

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

@DBGerrard

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

@shadygeekdad

Living well isn’t the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.

@MrsMikePatton

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?

@NicestHippo

*walks into son’s room to find a recording of him snoring*
Dear God
*dials 911*
Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90’s cassette player

@myonlymizztake

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.