I have it on good authority those zombie movies are fake!

Because! A body goes in to rigamortis! It doesn’t just skip that part!

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[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!


DATE’S FATHER: What business do you have with my daughter
ME: Oh this isn’t a work thing, we’re gonna watch a movie and smooch all night


My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.


My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.


Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”


Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.


Living well isn’t the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.


If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?


*walks into son’s room to find a recording of him snoring*
Dear God
*dials 911*
Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90’s cassette player


Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.