I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
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Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
All generalizations are stupid.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”