I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
You Might Also Like
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
can I use a minion as a tampon
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Kids: Stay in school.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*