I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
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I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
calling in to work dehydrated
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?