I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
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If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up