I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
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Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company