@junejuly12

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

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@ADHDeanASL

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

@Elizasoul80

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

@AmishPornStar1

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

@jollyrobber

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

@jazmasta

Nature fact: The female cat gives birth to the body and head of her kittens separately and has to screw the head in like a lightbulb.

@huntigula

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”