@junejuly12

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

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@OfficielJules

On a date,
Him: Do you like cats?
Me: *flipping menu* Wait! What page are you on?

@JPHaddadio

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

@hipstermermaid

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

@HelmdawgE

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

@SteveSuckington

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

@RandomManik

-So how can we help you today Mr Benson?

“Please. Mr Benson was my father.”

-Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?

@tastefactory

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

@ghostkrogh

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

@Marcmywords2

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.