I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

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On a date,
Him: Do you like cats?
Me: *flipping menu* Wait! What page are you on?


Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.


I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.


My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.


Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.


-So how can we help you today Mr Benson?

“Please. Mr Benson was my father.”

-Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?


Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*


america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky


Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.