I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
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Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack