I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

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If the helicopter pilot asks you if you like roller coasters, maybe think about why he’d ask that before you gleefully exclaim yes. I know this now


In life, God is my co-pilot. Unfortunately He is on the no-fly list thanks to His ties to several extremist groups.


[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.


My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk


The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.


Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.


I’m outside Costco and only need a few things.
*one hour later*
I wonder if this piano will fit in my new helicopter.


No, PSA, buzzed driving isn’t drunk driving. Buzzed driving gets me home 51 weekends a year, drunk driving gets me home w/a fat chick.


Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”