I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
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New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.