I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
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What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
excuse me
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.