Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
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I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot