My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me.
At least that’s one thing she has in common with my wife.
I have lost a fiancé and a baby and a dog and I am just so tired of having things taken away from me. Please for the love of god, go do something nice for someone today to restore the balance in this world just a little. Life is too short and precious.
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If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Me: What’s one thing you don’t like about your girlfriend?
Him: She doesn’t swallow.
Me: What? How does she eat?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
HR: In accounting
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.