Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
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I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly