I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
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Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Me, flirting😏
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.