I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
reminder
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.