@Bob_Janke

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

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@robin_991

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

@MartaEffing

*runs my fingers thru your hair*
*tightens grip*
*pulls your head back*
*looks you in the eye*

Me: WTF do you mean you ate the last donut?

@Mr_Kapowski

Fun Prank: If someone leaves their car windows cracked cause it’s hot outside, start slipping unwrapped Kraft Singles in their car

@AnniemuMary

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

@girlnarly

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

@mrtruthandsoul

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

@asaltiercorpse

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

@phranqueigh

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

@MaraWritesStuff

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

@upsidedowntrash

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!