I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

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“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.


*runs my fingers thru your hair*
*tightens grip*
*pulls your head back*
*looks you in the eye*

Me: WTF do you mean you ate the last donut?


Fun Prank: If someone leaves their car windows cracked cause it’s hot outside, start slipping unwrapped Kraft Singles in their car


Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared


[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem


“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”


The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.


When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.


Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.



Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!