I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
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“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
#merica
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
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PhewThe Chosen Phew